Dear Family…

Jealous of John

I am jealous of John because he always seemed so sure of what his career path would be. He was incredibly talented. He excelled in almost every artistic area (physics not so much).

I started out in my teens thinking…be a teacher because my parents instilled in me that this was a good career for a woman and that you could still be married and have a family as well as a career.

When I met John and we were going out steadily, he convinced me that I had artistic talent and I began to pursue that course. I never took art classes in HS. But in college I took classes in both art and education and I graduated with a BA in Art Education. My job as art teacher was fulfilling but truth be told I was always inhibited by John’s sheer talent and mine being well beneath his.

I studied drawing, painting, ceramics, jewelry making, print making, mixed media painting & weaving. I used my knowledge in these areas in my teaching job and in my personal life.

Right before our marriage John introduced me to the world of interior design. He took me to all of the high end designer showrooms and we selected some beautiful pieces of furniture – many of which I still have today. But without his architectural knowledge and the entry into that world, I would never have known of them.

We painted and drew together in the beginning of our lives together. John’s canvasses were always much more successful than mine. I did excel at printmaking and ceramics which he never tried. I loved art history and I sometimes wonder if I missed my mark and should have done graduate work in that area and tried to teach on a college level. Will never know the answer to that.

Everywhere we travelled I was the historian at the museums. John was the curator of the architects and buildings & bridges whenever we travelled. It was a good mix. Not too many people liked to travel with us because we were considered ‘beatniks’. We both loved Jazz too so it was perfect on so many levels.

I now have to be a new someone…..a new person without John in my life. A new person trying to find the right mix of me. I miss John’s teases and his encouraging words. He also was so good at drawing things (which is my weakness) that he would sometimes point out to me (in a nice way) where I made my mistake. Now I have to see and find them on my own. You may notice that I never mentioned Water Color Painting…..because John was absolutely fantastic as a watercolorist….granted he painted on his terms, but oh my, the paintings are just awesome. My kids are fighting over who gets what when I die! So I never wanted to challenge him on that.

I miss his tender touches and feel that the closeness we had is just gone gone gone. I think a lot of people will say that they miss being touched by their deceased spouse. Not anything sexual, just simple hand holding or a spontaneous hug or a little smooch.

Now as it approaches a one year anniversary I wonder how I made it this far without being a total wreck. I do know that I fill my days with things to do because otherwise I would just go mad. I have decided that I am going to work hard at becoming a proficient watercolorist. It’s not that I want to be better than John – not at all – what I want is to have something that is meaningful and thought provoking so that I continue to use my brain and whatever talent God has given me. I think John would be proud of me and I hope that God allows me to be here with my family for a while and maybe one day my kids will fight over which of my paintings they want too.

I miss you, John.