Guidance From Gurus

Crystal Gonzales

DEATH CAFES: A SAFE PLACE TO SPEAK ABOUT THE UNSPEAKABLE

I went to a training in North Carolina in January 2019. I remember the presenter talking about all of the ways a Funeral Director can make a service a celebration rather than a traditional somber wake. I believe it is important that families feel they are “sending off” their loved one in their unique fashion. If you have a grandmother who loved to garden, at her celebration of life we could have small packets of “forget me not” to give away. You know, how weddings have party favors? Funerals do too! It was such an exciting training to be at because I learned all of these new ways to memorialize someone and ways people are dealing with loss. One of the things that came up was “Death Cafe.” I was told they were more popular in the South and started overseas. Basically, it is something anyone can host, and provide a safe space for people to come and talk anything death. At that moment I knew I wanted to do this.

When I started in my new job, I was able to propose this idea. It was well received in its true form by my boss and his boss, but not by the funeral home manager. Death isn't something people want to talk about in the first place. That is exactly why I feel something like this is so needed. The more we talk about the more we can express our curiosities, fears, ideas - anything. I want to help shed some of the gunk off of the stigma that death talk holds.

I was able to attend a Death Cafe and it was truly a great experience. There were all different kinds of people there. We watched a short documentary to get our minds moving and have some talking points. We split into small groups. I remember having a woman who worked at hospice in my group. A woman who worked at a local Nursing home, a woman who had just come from a church service out of curiosity, and a man who was very involved with a native tribe and was well versed in their rituals regarding death and shared those with us. We talked about everything: from beliefs of what happens when we transition, to personal experiences with family members in facilities, spirituals encounters/ ideas and questions about the actual procedures to do with a deceased corpse.

Now, I have planned my own Death Cafe. One to be held in the funeral home and the other to be held at a local neighborhood house - donated to the community for community events. I am so excited to hold this safe space for people to come and share whatever they wish. This is not a grief group but all topics are welcome. I was worried about how people would respond, so I turned to people I know, people I have worked with, or done arrangements for, and I got a lot of enthusiastic answers of, “Yes! Please let me know when you are doing this!” I even had one person say, “can I bring a friend?!” ha! I know this isn’t going to be a knockout every time but I want to be the one to take a step and then another if it means getting just a few people out and starting to talk about a topic we will all eventually talk about someday.

Crystal Gonzales

Family Service Counselor

Crystal.Gonzales@dignitymemorial.com

608-698-1662

O.B Davis Funeral Homes

4839 Nesconset Hwy, Port Jefferson Station, NY 11776

2326 Middle Country Rd., Centereach, NY 11720